I’m a mental health professional, educator, and consultant focusing on de-escalation training. Consequently, I am involved in frequent discussion about how we can “cope” and “manage” through difficult situations, challenging interactions, and unexpected stressors. I use two terms carefully in my consultations and trainings with people: “validation” and “normalization.” These are two words that often come up during the course of my work with individuals and groups/teams. While they are terms that most people understand in general, my interpretation and vision of these terms may be slightly different from most people’s.
Most of us pretty quickly understand the concepts of “coping” and “managing,” as seemingly almost everyone has experienced some form of struggle in their lives. Some people seem to only have select and/or relatively minor or infrequent troubles … those people are fortunate. A greater number of people have experienced significant struggles and suffering. For many, these struggles were constant prior to this pandemic. Now, the tension, stress, and anxiety are almost overwhelming. What’s more, for this large portion of the population, life in “normal” times is not ok.
What happens when the prospect of “returning to normal” is not ok? What can help us differentiate figuring out how best to “normalize,” “cope,” and seek “validation” in our daily world at this time, when our lives were not completely ok prior to this outbreak?
Understanding the History of Others
For those reading this that know my work, they will know that I think it is very important to frame discussions around people’s struggles in a larger context. As I advance through my third decade working with an array of people across many socio-cultural spectra, I find it imperative for me to strive to do two things simultaneously as it relates to “inviting people to adjust and change to circumstances”: 1) understand the “history” leading up to any given situation and/or interaction and 2) to give people the benefit of the doubt (for their behavior, their perspectives, their resistance to change—even change that may be potentially helpful).
I find this is often not as easy as it seems. The struggle therein helps me better understand the struggles of other. There are an array of perceptions for “what is normal,” and “what we want validated in our world … and what we do not want validated,” likely because validating something that is “not ok” (perhaps because of its unjust, unfair, or unequitable elements) would only be perpetuating people’s problems. History has not been filled with fairness or justice for large groups of people; examples include person’s without financial authority, political authority, or subsist in group that is in a minority is otherwise marginalized (persons of color, anyone identifying as “other” than cis-gendered males, etc.). Consequently, for people who feel a “return to normal is Not Ok because it Never Was Ok,” what is next? What can help? When typical mental and emotional approaches such as “Validation” and “Normalization” may, at first glance, seem inadequate, what can be done?
To further elucidate this concept of being careful to “not validate or normalize that which is historically oppressive or unjust,” I invite you to adjust your lens with me and attempt to see life experiences a little differently. Let’s shift perspectives and look backward …
I find it important to look at the history of our humanity. Again, as noted above, an oppressive existence has not been “ok” for an abundance of people in “normal” times throughout the course of our world. Life is full of suffering. Many of us are not easily able to envision the width of the worldwide and historical suffering of large groups of people because this was not part of our formative educational process growing up—and I’m especially including myself here, raised as I was in the privilege and comforts from the perspective of a Caucasian male raised in middle-class America in the late-20th century. The history that I was taught growing up definitely fit into the category of “history being written by the victors” (as Winston Churchill wrote). Viewpoints of marginalized & traumatized groups/members of society were not easily offered or available to me as a form of education, empathy, or compassion. These viewpoints were seen as being “other,” and “out there in the world,” and – perhaps most sinister – there was a packaging of the suffering as a “weakness” or pity-inducing. There were rarely humane, compassionate, and/or helpful & empowering messages underlying the communications of people’s suffering.
How My Personal Experiences Have Shaped & Continue to Shape My Views
It was not until my world began to open up – via a range of relationships, travel opportunities, and a curiosity for learning about cultures and histories I did not know – that my understandings, insights, and emotions began to shift.
While my ethical, moral, and social-emotional foundations towards love and compassion for people who live life within unjust contexts were there early in my existence, the reality is that I did not have a wealth of knowledge of the contributing factors that have led to and continually reinforce the systemic oppression of large groups of people. This large swath of the population was present in my community, my country, and the world, existing in the margins of our social consciousness without an amplified and collectively powerful voice to advance a more humane and caring approach to changing the “miserable condition that exists on Earth” (Malcolm X).
The History Of Injustice in Humanity
As much as it may seem like people & society consistently turn a blind eye to suffering, every generation throughout the history of humanity has had the presence of suffering and there have been individuals and groups that strive to provide a pathway to manage and overcome suffering. Essentially most every religious and spiritual practice highlights the long-standing suffering of people and offers ideas and ways to overcome the suffering. Professional fields of psychology, philosophy, social work, and other service-oriented endeavors seemingly strive to offer a release from suffering. Obviously, the work of any and all people throughout the course of history have not been able to completely fix or repair all forms of oppression and suffering.
Consequently, human history is occupied with massive numbers of people existing within unjust contexts. This is part of human history that we – seemingly reflexively, as if to avoid the emotional toll of knowing the reality of global & historical human suffering – wish to ignore, turn away, to minimize, or provide a form of “revisionist history” for the struggles that exist and have existed over the centuries.
Applying Historical Awareness to the Present Struggle
However, many of us believe we are much better served to not turn away, or how else will we and future generations learn. How else will we truly be able to be “ok” amidst the stress, anxiety, and inequality that persists across societies and can spread – like a virus can, quietly, invisibly, and without our full understanding?
Now, more than ever, it is important for those of us living through this current adverse experience to learn from it, to help advance ourselves and our societies and communities. Especially those of us with privilege. Otherwise, what will we have learned?
Marginalized Populations and Individuals During COVID-19
For today – like yesterday, and the day before, and the day before the Covid 19 outbreak occurred – people are still living in extremely unjust situations and amidst contexts. We see this with the “essential workers” that are not given essential PPE to stay safe. We know that many people whose existence, fears, and suffering exist in shadows are at risk right now. Domestic violence is up during quarantine. LGBTQ youth may be at greater risk – physically and emotionally – in their homes during the Shelter in Place periods. Undocumented persons are at greater physical, emotional, and financial risk than they were before. People in these situations are not making headlines or getting the focus & attention of the masses. They continue to live in relative darkness and fear, which is only magnified during this pandemic.
“Systemic historical oppression,” “inequalities” in all forms, and “biases” (those that are explicit and those that are implicit) are just three examples of suffering that exist beyond any one person’s experience and speak of a shared-suffering that is part of our complex social fabric stitched together over generations.
Validation and Normalization
Consequently, throughout my professional career I’ve appreciated conversations with clients, co-workers, others involved in providing support or intervention to people in harm’s way that address the complexity of offering “validation” and “normalization” in lieu of these larger social and institutional injustices. Simply put, do “validation” and “normalization” in the face of unjust circumstances really help people? Is this perpetuating the injustices and silencing new ideas? Is this harmful in other ways?
Again, this is a conversation I appreciate having because there is not a simple answer. No, we (and here I hope I am speaking for anyone who chose a helping/service profession) do not want to harm anyone {non-maleficence} and I personally do not want to simply put a band-aid on a bigger ailment and consider it ok. To me, it seems best to be honest about the multiple sides of a situation and determine how best we maintain our composure and make informed decisions and informed behavioral choices based upon the information we have. In short, I want to help empower people to make the best decisions possible for themselves & others as it relates to their emotions, their minds, their bodies, their relationships, and their character. This is not something that occurs easily and without effort.
A similar effort is needed to attempt to try and understand “validation” and “normalization” at this time when very little may feel normal, usual, or predictable. In my article Managing “Stress Response” during COVID 19, I wrote about “where to begin” to understand our Stress Response. In this blog article, I wish to introduce the seemingly next step in that progression: How do I maintain a sense of normalcy and validation as I/we live through this?
A Personal Story About Uncertainty and “Anchors”
I’ll give some examples for me: I had an approximately seven-week period from later-January through early-March where I could feel stress building up as the unknowns began to grow. In later-January, a collaborative project that I was advancing with Seattle/King County Public Health got put on “hold” as Coronavirus priorities ramped up across that agency … but the virus seemingly had not yet landed in our area yet. Then, over the next nearly-two months, I witnessed the outbreak locally and saw it expand and leave the populace in a position of “not-knowing” what would happen next or what would come of the pandemic’s multiple impacts. I felt the stress. I felt the uncertainty. My sleep was altered. My abilities to concentrate were hampered. I felt restless and at the same time I felt frozen. Doubts, uncertainties, and fear were present.
Now, it is not like this all magically went away in mid-March. Something else happened, however. I knew that I had to keep a form of structure and routine amidst the feelings of chaos and the upheaval of a sense of normalcy. I chose to work on re-creating the areas of consistent behavior and activity in ways that could help this unknown period of my life and the life of my family members for whom my behavior and attitudes would have an impact. I am a father. I am the spouse of a frontline healthcare provider. I am/was sharing in the responsibility of supporting and maintaining the well-being of more than myself. Making the choice to normalize meals and teeth-brushing with my child while she’s switching to a home-schooling curriculum and Zoom meetings with her friends hopefully provides a balance to life at this unsteady time. In my home, we are talking a lot about our “anchors” and our “foundations.” What helps provide an anchor for us, in general? What are important foundations of our daily life, daily routine(s), and our daily wellness?
The Solutions are Multifaceted and Depend on the Person
Again, I will note my privilege here: I have a computer, internet access, and a stable living situation that provide a larger foundation for me. I have a great deal of appreciation and gratitude for those foundations. That said, even with some strong supports I still felt unsteady. What about those of us that do not have anchors when the storm is not great? What happens when the “normal” storms amplify to an onslaught? What then? What can help a person find health, comfort, or wellness at this time?
The answers are not easy. I cannot tell another person what might help them. We are all unique and I cannot offer a one-size-fits-all treatment. That would be disingenuous. Instead, I will again share my own experience to highlight my processes right now.
My Personal Solution
As I type this, I’m personally driven to maintain a sense of normalcy for the sake of coping and validating that it is extremely important at this time to maintain certain consistencies and predictabilities amidst this shared state of turmoil. Little things make a difference. It is important for me to keep some things going according to their “usual” order: for example, maintaining some sleep routine (e.g., going to bed and waking up at approximately the same times each day) and being careful to not get “lost” in social media or alerts on my phone. While I want to stay connected, I know I can be over-connected and that can and will add to my anxiety. I simply must have unplugged time every day.
Same Storm, Many Different Boats
Similarly, as I type that last paragraph & I lead towards the conclusion of this blog article, I am compelled to note that I do not want things to simply “go back to normal” because normal was not completely ok in the past. I hope that the degree of “shifting” of our behaviors and our attitudes that we are doing during this pandemic invites us to see the elements of a “shared world” that we previously were likely turning a blind eye towards.
We are all in this together. We are, however, not all working from the same foundation, nor do we all have the same tool, resources, or supports. I appreciate the words of a loved one who said “We are all going through this storm together … but the person who says ‘We are all in the same boat’ is not correct. We have different boats.” Some people have big, strong boats with a wealth of supplies & resources that can manage the storms more easily than the majority of people whose boats are more fragile, less sturdy, and with less supports & supplies to weather the storms.
For those of us in the more fragile boats: those of us that are/feel more alone and/or have less materials and supplies to manage and cope through all of this, I invite you to find your consistencies in the day-to-day living that helped you/me/others manage previous to this pandemic as an anchor through the storms. I invite you to hold as strong and steady as possible through these storms in order to help us advance larger systemic changes to improve and advance our societies as we will eventually emerge from this life-altering virus with new perspectives and new opportunities to improve the miserable conditions that exist on this earth.
I want to be there with you through this journey. If you have questions, comments, or just wish to connect to another person, I invite you to reach out to me. You are not alone. We are not alone.
I appreciate your commitment of time and energy toward reading my thoughts. I’d be glad to share and connect with you directly. I am here. I want to help.