“You are not alone” – a look back at 2022

“You are not alone”

I believe these four words to be the ones I spoke the most in 2022, equally as part of my life and my work.

I believe that this is the same statement I’d have made for 2021. Quite possibly, it was one of my most frequent statements of 2020 too.

Yet it has been these last two years – namely these last 18 months – when this statement seems most important and relevant in my entire life of over a half-century.

I am a psychotherapist. I’m not the kind with a couch or chair in a private office (or Telehealth location).

I work in the community. I always have since I began in 1993.

These days, I work as a Consulting Therapist and Clinical Educator with an eye towards crisis situations and providing/fostering Psychological Safety in the workplace & and any community-based location where care and compassion are sought and provided. I have an interest in supporting people who are on society’s fringes; the people most likely to ignored, whose lives may be minimized or, worse, are seen as a deficit in the larger-scaled view of our society.

I like – yes, like – to work with people who have active mental health issues; with people who have lives filled with traumas (personal & historical), and with other persons who are trying to survive the cruelness & harms present in our society, namely for folks who do not have the resources, appearances, or privileges of those promoted by our society.

What’s more, I really like working with people who also choose to work with the persons I mentioned above.

What I’m writing today is not meant for just those people (who I will refer to broadly as “staff” in this text), but more for the people who may not know of the inner workings of these people that staff our hospitals, our community outreach teams, our homeless shelters, our supportive housing locations, senior centers & our food banks. These individuals, along with many others, provide valuable & compassionate services spanning the widths of health care, social & human services, education, and almost any other sector that serves our community’s most vulnerable members in ways you’d not immediately consider (e.g., the library staff that helps hydrate and warm unhoused neighbors, or the community center staff member that makes sure people get fed and showers).

You see, I get to interact with a few thousand people a year that work in our community’s service sectors. I’ve had this good fortune for many years prior to the pandemic, and the need for supporting folks doing this work has only expanded these past 3 years of pandemic, often while the resources & supports for staff persons have been less available, typically due to funding issues, staffing issues, or other acts of omission or commission.

I “see” something in so many colleagues with whom I work: They are isolated. They tell me this, usually not immediately; at least not until they feel as if I am safe and not going to judge them as weak or insufficient.  What’s more, when they open up to me, the next powerful phrase I hear is something like “I feel broken.” I’ve had dozens of people tell me this directly in 1:1’s these last 2 1/2 years, again, with this number really increasing in mid-2021.  I’ve had a few brave souls say this around in a meeting or workshop with others present.  The quiet nodding of their colleagues often made it look as if someone had magically initiated an army of bobbleheads in agreement.

The suffering of staff working in service settings is real. The significant suffering of those that work with our community’s most vulnerable members facing layers of trauma and suffering is nearly unimaginable, and also comes at a low rate of pay that indicates society’s dismissal of these staff member’s value. So many people feel ignored, isolated, and alone. I find that some of my most important work is simply letting them know that they are not the only person feeling that way.

“You are not alone” has been in my personal and professional vocabulary for so long I cannot recall when I first uttered the phrase. Yet now I cannot seem to go a week without uttering it multiple times. It’s so reflexive now. It up there with breathing, eating, and drinking fluids. It’s a constant for me these last 3 years.

In January 2021, I got a verbal gift from Amanda Gorman, the first youth Poet Laureate in the US. She did not give it to me directly, instead she gave it to all of us in her Inaugural Poem in Washington DC on 1/20/2021. Speaking about our nation, she wrote that it “isn’t broken, simply unfinished.”

This was wording I wanted and possibly needed. For I too had been feeling at least partially cracked if not fully broken. Who wouldn’t? (Well, that’s for another post: Related to those whose eyes are not yet open to what the amount and array of suffering that permeates our society in so many ways, often unnecessarily).

In mid-2021, I believe that most of the people with whom I interact thought we were past “the worst of it.” Then came a series of issues: compounding episodes of harm and hate in many ways, the rise of the Covid variants (first Delta and then all of the Omicron ones, hastened by ongoing misinformation about vaccines and public health in general), plus an abundance of ongoing, dare I say leftover, political and social grievances.  When so many people thought “we were going to get back to normal” people started to see that this was not going back to normal. Most of the folks I communicate with came to these realizations in isolation, even if their everyday functions were surrounded by people. The real existential eye-opening moments almost always occur in solitude. This was a sort of collective solitude that spanned these last couple of years. I have a window into these worlds because of the work I do and the numbers of people I interact with on a regular basis.

For all of us, I offer this: You are not alone. You are not the only one feeling broken. That may not make you feel better, yet I want you to stay connected. It’s extremely unfortunate that it is via our suffering that we at times feel connections. I facilitate discussions with teams that are at greatest risk for developing “trauma bonds” as a result of the primary and secondary traumas that we’ve experience and continue to witness in our lives. Sometimes it feels like only those that have also been harmed can understand us. And, often that it true that the easiest connections are due to the inherent understanding of harm felt by others.  Yet it important to not dwell too long in our suffering or it can encompass us (I believe that, unchecked, it WILL encompass us), and find an authentic way to address, confront, and manage this suffering.

Retreating back into isolation will not help us heal. It can “buy us time,” so I do not wish to judge those that need that space and time to simply not be exposed to our world’s suffering. Yet we must find a way to keep going.

When I’ve offered to people “You are not alone,” I get an array of responses. Some “don’t want to hear that now.” Most do. Some look deep into my eyes, as if I’ve uncovered their lonely secret and they are looking at me for more. Sure, I can help but I do not have a cape and I don’t wish to be a savior. That’s not me and that’s not really therapeutic. Yet I can help people re-find their way. I’ve had people tell me this during this year. Thank you to those that have. You help me keep going and therefore help me help you and others like you. Again, I appreciate you since you help me continue to show up to strive to improve the miserable conditions that exist on this earth.

For those of you reading this as if you were peering into another world, as if you were outside someone’s home and could see in through their large window, I invite you in closer. Please look, not at me but at my world. There’s an abundance of suffering. I invite you to be kinder, more thoughtful, and more compassionate. These are not signs of weakness, they are signs of strengths. People that are vulnerable and real are the most attractive people. All of us are unfinished. How do you want to do you finishing work? I invite you in closer. There’s a lot more room for warmth, compassion, empathy, and love in our world. Please join me.

Finally, I will share this video, which was probably the one I shared and reference most in 2022. It is a 14 minute by the incredible Professor Loretta J Ross from August 2021. It is timely, it is inspirational, and it is love packaged in an under-15-minute video link. Please do watch it and practice accordingly. LINK:  Loretta J. Ross: Don’t call people out — call them in | TED – YouTube

Know that you are not alone. You are loved, even if you do not know it yet. Remember, we are all simply unfinished. What is the next thing (action, attitude, or behavior) that may help you?

2021 Review – a Year of Significance

2021 was a YEAR OF SIGNIFICANCE – in ways we may not fully know for quite some time

I hope this finds all of you doing as best as you can, given what you have and what is going on around you.  Life is obviously so hard for so many people right now – – and it has been this way, during these last two years of pandemic – – and beyond for many of the people in my communities where I live, work, and play.

I have had the opportunity during this past year to witness some of the finest in people, and I’ve also witnessed some of the worst of human behaviors, attitudes, and communication practices during the last year+. What’s more, I’ve had a number of specific, unique experiences over this year that gave me reason for pause and reflection.

I’ve felt confused, sad, elated, impressed, worried, disappointed, frustrated, and concerned often in 2021. I know I’m not the only one. I continue to search for meaning and clarity when there’s often not a lot of either directly in front of me.  I know that, for many of us, this past year has been one where we “keep going” against numerous obstacles, including an abundance of those that are unseen.

SHOWING UP IN THIS WORLD

I choose to show up in life in a number of settings where people are suffering. This has been so for me for most of my life, going back to childhood. I was drawn to seeing what was/is behind the curtains and veils of our society. Something about growing up in the world I was raised in and observing an abundance of inconsistencies around me made me curious. Why did we seem to be prospering as a society, yet so many people around me were suffering in plain sight? Why was so much blaming/shaming/harming being done towards the most vulnerable people around me while others – often those with significant means and influence – be able to act in ways minus accountability?

I grew up understanding that life isn’t fair, yet I was taught to strive towards fairness. I learned that people are not all the same, while also seeking out the similarities and consistencies among peoples (for example, my experiences lead me to believe that all people want to be respected and treated in a manner that is non-harmful).  I was encouraged to understand people & situations as thoroughly as possible in order to make sound decisions and choices, yet to be careful to avoid significant judgment of others as I do not know the reasons & justifications they have for some of their actions.

This year was yet another test of my humanity and I figure I’m not the only one. Again, these extremes of witnessing the best & worst in people this year – sometimes during a 24-hour period with the same person – made this year all the more interesting.

SEEING THE BEST IN HUMANITY

In terms of seeing the best in people, I had the great fortune to be involved in some truly amazing professional, clinical interactions this year. I continue to work across many professional groups: healthcare staff, social service providers, educators, civil servants, and other community-based professionals.  In 2021, I was able to see an abundance of complex situations faced by individuals, teams, and organizations.  While this has been part of my professional journey since the 1990’s, these past two years have provided a wealth of new challenges that most of us were not anticipating.

Of note, my current service contract with Public Health Seattle/King County (PHSKC) and the local HealthCare for the Homeless Network (HCHN) has been a gift. In the spring of this year, I was contracted to provide clinical support for PHSKC / HCHN staff & volunteers for the sake of managing the intense burdens of providing compassionate care amidst significant hardship and struggles related to the pandemic. We focus a lot on the Compassion Fatigue & Burnout issues that face individuals and teams. We talk (process) a lot and strive to generate ongoing support efforts that can be sustainable beyond any one meeting.

I cry a lot with frontline healthcare providers.  I cry whenever I hear their struggles. I cry when I hear their stories of witnessing hardship, despair, and death as part of their jobs. I cry a lot when I hear the stories of people’s personal suffering outside of the job (the loss of loved ones from/during covid, their experiences of suicide and/or overdose in their family & friend communities, their sleepless nights afraid for their clients, their families, and their own well-being).

I’m so impressed with the people that can continue to show up in life with as much grace and gratitude as possible, amidst the grief and hardships that they witness and they may be experiencing in their immediate lives & world.

SEEING THE WORST IN HUMANITY

I’ve also seen some of the worst in people this year. Their anger. Their fears manifesting in ways that harm others (verbally, physically, socially). Their outright denial of truths unfolding right in front of them. For many of us, it seems easier to focus on these elements of humanity. Especially now. There’s so much fear and suffering that it seems more contagious than the current Omicron variant emerging internationally.

I’ve been present in conversations (training workshops, formal debriefings, clinical consultations, and a few casual, personal discussions) where people have shared what they have witnessed and experienced in this world of suffering over these last two years.  It can be / has been staggering. The levels of depression, anxiety, substance use, violence (intimate partner violence / domestic violence, self-harm, random acts of aggression or hate, etc.) seem hard to calculate {Note: links below}. I unfortunately believe that the data will not be clear to us for years, yet I have an immediate understanding based upon my work & life that we will look back on these years staggered by the number of losses of lives to overdoses and to our unhoused neighbors with non-covid-related ailments.

The pandemic’s immediate impacts for most people cloud over what many of us with boots on the ground know now: the suffering experienced by those historically underserved and marginalized is only getting worse. Vulnerable people are being immeasurably harmed during this difficult period of our life. Our minimizing of their life situations prior to the pandemic only makes those clouds denser and block our ability to see what is all around us: People who already had it hard are bearing the brunt of the suffering of this pandemic, directly and indirectly.

REFLECTION AND MOVING FORWARD

This year has had me experiencing this range of emotions, sometimes over just a couple of hours.  This year has brought me hope and doubt. I strive to lean towards the hope. Hope is different than optimism for me – and apparently others, as I’ve been having this conversation a lot these last couple of months.

My hope is that the presence and ongoing nature of suffering can offer us opportunities to see the benefits of mutual support and collaboration efforts. Yet I know that some people will go in the opposite direction and double-down on the harm, fear, hatred, shaming, blaming, and lying that offers no healing and only serves individuals, rather than the collective.

I’ll conclude this note with this: To those of you who continue to strive to be genuine, honest, authentic, transparent, vulnerable, responsible, and loving towards yourself and others: I believe in you. Keep going. Please.  We must continue to be strong amidst all of the suffering, deceit, gaslighting, and oppression in this world. It is hard. I know this personally. Yet it is worth it. Please do not let the Haters lead you, me, or us in other directions.

Life is absolutely not all unicorns and rainbows (I phrase I use a lot when discussing “Balanced Perspectives” as part of my work). Yet we must be careful to not let toxicity overwhelm us. I wish for you, me, and us all the best in the ongoing efforts it takes to stay strong & balanced in life. It is work. It is effortful. It is challenging. Hopefully that makes it worthwhile as well.

I look forward to standing with those that are able to keep on working towards improving the miserable conditions that exist in our world.  Thank you for reading and joining me.

 

Research & Data Links of note:

https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/pressroom/nchs_press_releases/2021/20210714.htm

https://www.ncadv.org/statistics

https://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/volumes/70/wr/mm7013e2.htm#:~:text=During%20August%202020%E2%80%93February%202021%2C%20the%20percentage%20of%20adults,health%20care%20need%20increased%20from%209.2%25%20to%2011.7%25.